The lost Bank

Cust: I don't have service! But i lost my Bank Account!
Me: You mean you lost your Account Number?
Cust: No no i lost my Bank Account!
Me: You lost your bank?
Cust; Yes!
Me: Sir your bank is the "Italian PostOffice Bank", you can't loose it..
Cust: But my internet doesn't work!
Me: Still you bank does exist, go there and ask about your account..

santa come for your signal

Customer: Since my neighbor put his Christmas light on his balcony i no longer have signal in my phone..

Spying bank

Cust: Vodafone is spying on me!
Me: Why?
Cust: It keep sending me SMS when i make a payment with my credit card!
Me: I'm sorry i think that's you bank sending the sms..
Cust: No no i ask the bank and they say it's not them!

Incredible coincidence

Cust: I want to recharge just 10€! Last time i recharge my number of 15€ my phone speaker stop working..

Everyone is a customer sometime

Customer: I'm a Lawyer and i want to denounce the company X! I sign a contract for 20€/month and i receive 40€/month!
Me:  What contract did you subscribe?
Customer: I don't know! i didn't read the contract!
Me: Well can you show me the contract?
Customer: The guy who sold me the plan didn't left me a copy!
Me: If i was one of your clients, and i told you i blind sign a contract without reading it and without asking for a written copy, what would you say to me?

Refund a Fax

Cust: Can i send a fax to this number?
Me: Of course is 20 cents
Cust: But i don't know if they really need this fax on the other side, do i get a refund if it was not needed?
Me: Only if you travel back in time..

Drill is power!

Customer enter showing an iPhone open with a drill to remove its battery.
Cust: Yesterday the phone didn't turn on, but i try to open it but the battery was sealed!
Me: But why didn't you try to recharge its battery?
Cust: Because i forgot the charger at Work!

Technology fix everything!

Cust: Hello i need to request a medical prescription for medicine XYZ
Me: Well sir someone would say that smartphone are drugs but i guess you need another kind of store..

New form of Energy

Cust: My phone keep getting signal from Slovakia and paying more for that.
(That's ~500km away and with a lot of mountain in between)
Me: No maybe your phone is just showing the wrong name.
Cust: But [Random name] told me is possible.
Me: No. Slovakia is way to distant! That's just physically impossible madam!
Cust: Come on everything can happen in this world!
Me: In that case madam i suggest you to call the Royal Swedish Academy and reclaim the Nobel prize that you deserve.

I just answered a phone call!

My work train me to discover all the subtle lies the customers in good faith give me...

What is mine is yours

Cust: But if someone else buy this phone, is it mine?
Me: Only if you are extra nice to them 

Each week is too much

Me: If you have 10€ the 1st of the month, and each week you spend 2€ how much money do you have at the end of the month?
Cust: 10!!! (Happy like a kid!)

Honesty at last!

Female Cust: I keep receiving this pictures of naked girls can i stop i or at least ask for them to send me naked guys?

What a change for once from the "i don't know how this happen but is all a scam"!

Let me be a babysitter

Customer enter and take out a receive from a bank (i'm not a bank in case you are asking yourself)
Cust: Why did i find this receive of 15€ in my wallet?
Me: I don't know madam
Cust: But i found it when i enter your shop!

I should start to work as a babysitter..

Of course i know how to fix my problem

Cust: This phone is broken! i try to fix the problem this way (describe a completely out of reality theory of how to fix it) but didn't work. You should replace me the phone.
Me: No sir, the phone is fine, to fix it you just need to click here ( a simple setting in the phone menu)

Phone magically start to work as supposed.

Cust: It's impossible! This is NOT how you fix the phone!
Me: Well i'm sorry but i have reality on my side..

I'm sure... maybe

Cust: i'm billed internet even if i never use it!
Me: Did you check if your phone have internet enabled?
Cust: NO! but I'm sure!
Me: Well maybe you should check it takes 10 seconds..
Cust: NO! i'm sure i don't need to check!

Of course he was wrong and he have internet enabled
(Of course enabled against his will from <insert your favorite conspiracy> )

Internet of sms

Cust: I finish all my money! WHY???
Me: You see you went over your free bundle of internet..
Cust: But i have so many sms left! can't they use them to go in internet?
Me: Did you ever try download facebook over sms?

Cust: But why do i need to pay for phone call instead of spending the money on beer?
Me: Because you want to call your friends to drink a beer together!

Is rude to pay!

Cust: I find the company X really rude!
Me: Why?
Cust: It's 2 months my bill went unpaid and they keep calling me about it!
Me (thinking it): while you not paying is very polite..

i want more and pay less!

Cust: I don't want to argue with you, but why do you make a plan with unlimited minutes cost more then one with 200?

Geometry

Cust: Why do i keep seeing these black bars on my pictures side?
Me: Because you took a square picture and your screen is  rectangular
Cust: But last month it didn't happen before the upgrade!
Me: I'm sorry but unless you upgrade geometry this problem will never go away!

The magic password

Cust: How do i use my password?
Me: Password of which website?
Cust: How could i know that?

10€ coffe

Talking about a bad offer from a competitor

Me: What would you say if i offer you a coffee for 10€ but i include another one for free?
Cust (Serius): It's a very good offer!

I'm speechless..

After 2 month and 4 phone calls a customer finally arrive to fix a problem.

Me: Ok Madam everything should be fixed in 2-3 days
Cust: Ah all this waiting is unbearable, how lazy are you?

Keep complaining

Sometime they just keep throwing problem at you just to make you busy..
Cust: Phone is not working!
Me: Can you show me?
Cust: See? when i try to enable internet the phone freeze!
Me: Well i enable it now and it keep working..
Cust: Yes but internet isn't working!
Me: See? Google is opening without problem..
Cust: But my friends can't call me!
Me: I'm trying to call you now and it's working..
Cust: But then why aren't they calling me?

All the girl are the same

During a phone call with a call center
Cust (Talking with the girl): But YOU told me that!
Me: Sir she is not the same girl!
Cust: But she is a girl!
Me: No doubt but not THAT girl.
Cust: But they are all the same!

Spend twice pay once!

Cust: Why do i pay the bill of my father?
Me: That's strange, may i see the bill?
He show me the bill of his Father and the list of payment from her bank account.
Cust: Here! See? This bill is 61,5€ and here it's 62€ on my bank account!
Me: Yes sir but the fact that you paid 62€ to the SUPERMARKET in the same date DID NOT mean you paid the bill of your father phone EVEN if the amount are close (Not that it matter how close they are)
Cust: No no this is the same value! it means is the same payment! You are just trying to make me pay twice! you are just useless! (And go away upset)

Over the TOP!

Cust: My phone is defective! The Volume is blocked!
Me: Why?
Cust: You see it go 8/10 -> 9/10 -> 10/10 and then it stop!
Me: Is normal that's the maximum
Cust: But i want more!!

Too Good to be true... till you check!

Cust: I come here to complain because last year you told me i was going to pay 25€ each month for this, but when i call they told me it was 20€!
Me: Well i stand corrected, what i offer was officially at that price but if they promise you less i'm happy for you!
Cust: But it was un professional for you to not tell me they would offer me less!
Me: Well but are you sure that you are paying 20€?
Cust: Of Course!
Me: Can you show me a bill?
Cust: I never check bills!
Me: Lucky we can check with your phone!
Check on his phone
Me: See? They are making you pay 25€ Exactly as i told you!
Cust: But they promise me 20€!
Me: Well since i was unprofessional, feel free to call that professional that help you last time!

Is never too late

Cust: It's impossible! I asked you to recharge 40€ and it's already finished! How is that even possible??? (With pretty upset voice)
Me: Strange.. but when did you put the money in?
Cust: In September! (It's 6 of may today)

Egypt is Italy

Cust: Why is this bill so high?
Me: Well it say you have been in Egypt Madam
Cust: But i don't need a passport to go there! I used my ID card!
Me: That don't made it the same country!

Uppercase numbers

Cust: How can i insert Uppercase numbers?

Too much talk can make you pay!

Cust: I don't understand why i'm paying so much!
Me: Do you go over your monthly limit maybe?
Cust: Nooo!! (Would you ever guess that?)
Me: May i see your counter of today (29 of month)?
Cust: Don't worry i always check and i NEVER go over!
Me: Then the counter will show you are under right?

Guess What? she had 12 hours of limit and she was at 15:30!

Impossible phonecall

Cust: Is all day long i try to call the call center but i keep getting confusing instruction
Me: can we call them together?
Cust: Don't you believe me?
Me: Let's try
Phone: Hello press 1 for X and 2 to talk with an operator (that was ALL)

Secret Months

Cust: You never told me a month could have more then 4 weeks (28 days)!!

Free Cinema is not for everyone

Me: With this if you spend at least 10€/month you will receive a free cinema ticket that month.
Cust: But do i receive my free ticket even if i don't put money?
Me: No of course!
Cust: Ah i know all this was a scam!

Just Friends SMS

Cust: Can you explain me this surcharge on my bill for SMS?
Me: Do you receive any strange looking sms lately?
Cust: No of course! i only receive sms from my friends!

List of the first 4 SMS of the customer on his phone
4099 PlayRoom
4820 Super B!
4826 JoyStar
4827 Sexy Girl

Happy Birthday to me!

Who ever wish me a day without stupid customers clearly didn't pray enough!

Me: Hello do you need to top up your phone? (for prepaid customers)
Cust: No! I need Internet! (with an upset voice)
Me: You want a new connection?
Cust: NO! i want it on my phone! (with more upset voice)
Me: It doesn't work?
Cust: NO i said! (Angry already)
Me: But do you have credit in your phone?
Cust: NO!!!!
Me: then you need to recharge your phone!
Cust: Really?? (Incredulous)

A Mother need her son!

If there is a patience Guinness record i want to apply!
(Between parenthesis are my thoughts)

Cust: I'm the mother of X Y (Completely unknown person)
Me: How can i help you? (Thinking: " who the hell is your son??")
Cust: My phone is black
Me: Did you try to turn it on?
Cust: NO! when i call it's black!
Me: You mean when you try to make a phone call your screen go black?
Cust: NO! I can't receive calls!
Me: Can you please show how you make a phone call?
Cust: I say i can't call i have no money! (Already want to strangle her..)
Me: Well then it's easy madam you just need to put some more money!
Cust: But my son take care of everything!
Me: Then tell your son you finish all your money!
Cust: But i need my phone NOW! (i lost my patience NOW!)
Me: Then you need to recharge NOW without your son!
Cust: No no no... i can't do this without my son! But you know my son is X Y!
Me: Anyway you still have to put money...
Cust: But why do i need to recharge? (i know i should have bought that crocodile's pit for customer like this one..)
Me: Because you have no money!
Cust: But why? (I open her phone, and easily spot an international call)
Me: You see madam? 3 days ago you make a 10 minutes phone call to France!
Cust: But it's my nephew Z W! (another unknown name)
Me: That doesn't mean then calling him is for free!
Cust: But he call me!
Me: No madam the phone clearly show that is in the "outgoing call" not in the "received call"
Cust: So what should i say my son? (to not let you out of the house o begin with..)
Me: You don't need your son, you need to put some money in!
Cust: Are you sure?
Me: YES!
Cust: Ok then! (Hallelujah!!!!)

Brain out of guarantee

Customer waiting in line before the opening..
Cust: I wait a lot because my phone stop working!
Me: How?
Cust: I receive this mail from Google but when i click the link it doesn't work!
Me: But this mail come from freemoney@gmail.com you didn't click right?
Cust: Yes i click and it ask my password but then it doesn't do anything!
Me: You better change all your password madam.
Cust: Why? the phone have a 2 year guarantee!
And i would have loved to answer: (but i couldn't)
Me: yes but your brain is clearly out of guarantee!

Why use the whole alphabet?

Me: Welcome how can i help you?
Cust: Mm...
Me: Are you interested in our offers?
Cust: Mmm..
Me: Are you looking for Phone, Internet or tablet?
Cust: Mmm..
Me: All of them?
Cust: Mmm..
Me: Well what company do you have now?
Cust: Vodafone (First intelligible word he spoke! hallelujah!)
Me: We have offer X and offer Y
Cust: Mmm..

And leave without saying anything else..

My Company let me call for free!

Cust: How much is for 400 minutes/month?
Me: 10€

Cust: And what if i use more?
Me: You will spend more

Cust: Why?? I don't want to spend more!
Me: Then don't call more then 400 minutes!

Cust: Oh this is a rip off, my company don't work like this!
Me: Then why do you want to change a company that let you call for free?

Humidity is Important!

Cust: I don't know the humidity!
Me: I'm not a weather station madam. I don't have this information..

Cust: But i gave Vodafone 10€ yesterday!
(Note: i don't have any connection with this company)
Me: Then you should ask them, but i doubt Vodafone sell this kind of Service (Is a Telecom provider)

Cust: This is all unfair i want my money back!
Me: Then madam you should go to this company and ask for it.
Cust: Why can't you give me the money??

Me: Do you see Vodafone writtern anywhere in my shop? No! That means i have no affiliation with them!

Cust: But you sell phones!
Me: Yes but that doesn't mean i should pay the debts of Vodafone..

How can i type my password?

Cust: How can i type my password?
Said while staring at the keyboard on the phone screen

Randomness

Cust: Can i call the mental hospital to check if i get my daily medicine?
Me: Ok (and she call and ask her doc, then give me back my phone)
Cust: But does your mother steal stuff usually?
Me: I guess not madam..
Cust: But do you like people from Naples?
Me: Some Yes some No like everybody..
Cust: No because you know i'm from Milan!
Me: I have no doubt about that..
Cust: Ah ok.. well i will go to smoke a cigarette..
Me: Sound like a good idea..
Cust: But before i go, do you think i should eat a Kebab or a Sandwich?

Why connect?

Cust: But why do I have to press "connect" to connect to internet?
Me: Evil computer!

In cards i trust all other are liers!

Cust: You lied to me! The phone you sold me yesterday is used and already full of virus!
Me: Why do you say so? The phone i sold you was fresh from the box.
Cust: I don't care what you say! I downloaded this app "Sexy Texas Hold Them Poker" and it say i have over 3000 virus already!

Someone just want to complain..

Customer enter with a phone bought somewhere else
Cust: How does this promotion works?
Me: X (long list of details)
Cust: I thought it was like that but then at Mediamarket they promise me it was going to be Y (MUCH better offer!) but now i realize that it was X all the way!
Me: If it looks too good to be true..
Cust: But i want Y!
Me: Then why the hell are you coming to me? I never promise you anything!
Cust: because they don't want to listen to my complain!
Me: Goodbye!

Breaking the rules is a god damn right!

Cust: I always menage to break this rule and now suddenly they stop me! it's unfair!

Cust: Why did i call this phone number last month? I never called it before in 15 years!
Me: Maybe you changed your mind?!?!

Break Up with my boyfriend

Cust: Why do i still have to pay this iPad if is 2 months i broke up with my boyfriend?
Me: What's the connection?
Cust: Well i bought it to speak with my boyfriend and since i don't speak with him anymore i don't want to pay it!

He is talking with god

Cust: "I'm trying to call my priest but he is not answering! Why??"
Me: "maybe he is busy talking with God"

Gust Star

Not from me but from a dear friend

Cust: Could you please tell me if this porfume is the same of the handsome guy i saw this morning next to my house?

100 is 24!

Me: This service have 100 hours each month
Cust: So is 24 hours a day?
Me: No is up to 100 hours in a month..
Cust: So unlimited?

Wife Control

Cust: Why did my wife download this file?
Me: Shouldn't you ask your wife about it?

Cust: If i watch a comic video does it consumer more gb then an action movie?

Why does my bank pay my bills?

As you all know I'm not a bank but this doesn't stop someone..
Customer enter showing a receive of her bank account movement
"Excuse me can you explain why was i charged X€ for this Y thing?"

I only want money! no expense!

Cust: "In this SMS they say they charge me X€, what does it mean?"
Me: "Do they say 'charge' or 'accredit' ?"
Cust: "Charge!"
Me: "Then they charge you X€!"
Cust: "But i only want to receive €! i don't want charges!"
Me: "Who does?"

9€ is 9 minute

Cust: I have a plan that cost 9 minute a month!
Me: Do you mean 9€?
Cust: Isn't it the same?
Me: Only if you earn 60€ every hour..

Don't die my dear Phone!

Cust: my 7 years old phone is dead!
Me: Well it's time to change it..
Cust: But inside i have all the sms i need for a very important litigation that i have next week!
Me: Didn't you make a copy of them?
Cust: NO!

Why didn't work?

Cust: I asked my provider for something by mail 2 weeks ago and i haven't received it yet!
Me: It's normal it take 30 days.
Cust: No wait, i didn't do it at all! what am i supposed to do now?
Me: Ask them now?

Water is magic

Cust: My phone doesn't work!
(I open the phone in front of his eyes)

Me: But there is water inside!
Cust: It's impossible!
Me: Touch IT!
(He touch the inside of his phone and touch the water)

Cust: well maybe it fell into the flour?!
Me: NO! It fell into the WATER!

Why did i pay more?

Me: With us you will get X for only 10€/Month!
Cust: But why did my other provider bill me 4 times that for all this years?
Me: Simple! Because you always payed without complaining!

Incredible time

Cust: How many minutes can i call with 250 minutes?
Me: 250?

Happy new year!!!!

1st Phone call of the year
Cust: Hello i'm XY i come 15 days ago to buy a sim card, but i don't remember my GMail password
Me: Ok come here and we will reset it!
Cust: Oh but i'm 1000km away right now..
Me: I'm sorry, but you need to be here
Cust: Oh but that's very unprofessional!
Me: that i forgot YOUR password?